Wednesday, August 15, 2007


So today I had what I have come to refer to as a "Buzznik kind of day". I must have missed the memo proclaiming it to be Piss Off Millie Day. The rest of the Seattle-ites obviously had no such problem. The day actually started out okay but here are a few of moments that were impossible to overlook.

- There was the lovely hippie at Safeco who was flipping off the TV at the concession stand while it was showing the flag during the National Anthem. I respect her freedom to express herself freely...but I wanted to express myself by pouring an overpriced beer over her head. If she wants to disrespect the flag, and the millions who fight and die for her right to express be it since it is her right to do so. I would just prefer that she didn't do it at a baseball game where the theme of the day is "Foster Kid Day". Show some class in front of the kiddos...that is all I ask. Yet score one for the use of Goosefraba...because I didn't do anything that would have gotten me reported to my CO.

- Then there was the obviously pro-botox bleached blonde lady who felt it was her place to comment on my snack of choice for the game...Grounders' Garlic Fries. Why she felt the need to tell me that I would never find a husband if I eat those is a mystery to me. Instead of telling her that her BBQ pork sandwich wasn't going to work any miracle for her either, or to ask why she automatically assumed that I was looking for a husband a Mariners' game, or just flat out tell her to mind her own GD business...I relied on the power of Goosefraba and smiled politely as I walked away. But even Goosefraba has its limits...

- So let me tell me you about the Mazda Man. The Mazda Man was quite successful in showing me that everyone is capable of TV style road rage. It could have been the fact that it was hot, it could have been the fact that I was in hurry, it could have been the fact that traffic is a nightmare on the I-5, but I think that it was the fact that the Mazda Man was the biggest quack behind a wheel in the Pacific Northwest.

The saga of Millie verses the Mazda Man starts with a failed attempt to merge onto I-5. Anyone who lives in Seattle knows that people out here can't merge with a damn to begin with but add three lanes of traffic merging into one lane and you have the makings of a nightmare. Add with it the re-direct as a result of construction and you have the makings our saga. I was trying to merge into the one lane...and Mazda Man wasn't having it. Now...if I wasn't driving a car that is less than a month old and full of passengers...I assure that I would have won the battle. I had the upper hand based on my position.

More than the desire to keep my car and passengers in top notch condition...I think that I lost the lane because I could not believe that Mazda Man was intent to rear end me if I didn't move onto the shoulder and let him pass. I let him have the lane so that should have been the end of it...but that was just the beginning.

After cutting me off...Mazda Man then opens his door and acts as if he is getting out to fight. Step-Dad Steve was the only man in our car...and I know that he could have taken the old man but that is not the point. The point was that we were still moving...and merging onto a major interstate. So after crazy Mazda Man finally shut his door (Steve thankfully did the same thing), he begins to flip us off and make incredibly obscene gestures in the window. More concerning than the array of vulgar gestures that this man was using was the fact that he was taking both hands off the wheel in order to deliver them. Rather than stay behind him, I got over one lane and attempted to move on. (Steve graciously return the sentiment by flipping him off as we passed him. A tame gesture compared to what were seeing.) It still wasn't the end.

So as fate/traffic would have it...Mazda Man catches us and decides to cut into my lane without any warning. (I had a feeling it would happen though so I slowed down once I saw him approaching in the side mirror. The gestures continue and it was then that Goosefraba went out the window. (As opposed to the coins that my sister wanted to throw out the window in effort to scare the man away. I haven't tried this but two sources swear it is a great way to to a make someone pay for their road rage.) My own road rage (that I truthfully never knew that I had) surfaced and it was on. Steve and I were in the front seat, swearing up a storm. Even thought I am old grown up now...I would ordinarily be embarrassed to swear like that in front my mom but I think that the circumstances excused my colorful language. So Steve and I were swearing and flipping the Mazda Man off as my sister is in the back seat threatening to use her coins and explaining the situation to her boyfriend on her cell phone. (Note that her boyfriend is source 1 regarding the throwing of coins.) All the while...Mazda Man is continuing to break check me and display his collection of vulgar hand gestures at the same time. I have to give him credit for his creativity and his driving skills.

Once again I manage to get away from him and the exchange of gestures ceases for the moment until he caught us as we were on the bridge. We go through one more round of hand gestures and cell phone waving. (I think he was trying to say that he was going to call the cops but the truth is I almost hoped for it because I knew that I was not a skilled enough driver to get away from him in that heavy of traffic and there are approximately 35,000 people in King County with licensed hand guns and with my luck Mazda Man was one of them.) Leave it to Mom (who used to be quite the trouble maker in her days but I suppose has calmed down with age) to resolve the issue. As we attempt to leave him again, Mom waved at him and the crazy man waved back! Several miles later...we see him again and he waved again. Not a bad family moment...considering that is the first time we have been together (and gotten along) in years.

Please know that I don't actually believe that saying Goosefraba really does anything. It only calms me down because I think of Derek Jeter telling it to the Rocket in Anger Management. I don't believe that it should be relied on to solve any real conflict. I also do not condone coin throwing on the freeway. I learned comforting to have a coin tray in your car just in case.

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