Sunday, January 3, 2010

Letter To Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

I am forced to write this letter to ask you one simple question and that question is “Why do take such pleasure in torturing me?” This is a question that has been plaguing me for some time now and I can no longer leave it alone. Below are a few of the examples that I have complied of your unwarranted and unjust behavior towards me to prove my point.

The first would be the snow. Must you make it snow every damn time I have duty? I mean, sure every now and then is fine and even expected but EVERY DAMN TIME that I am on duty? Is there something extremely comical about the way in which I try to shovel snow? Sure the snow shovel is almost as large as me making it quite difficult to wield but I fail to see the humor in such a thing. Perhaps it is the fact that you tend to create some magnificent snow drifts that I fail to navigate properly and therefore usually can be counted on to end up waist deep in. I fail to see the humor in this as well, being that by the time this occurs I am usually on the urge of freezing this tends to push me over the edge. Or maybe it is the fact that I simply hate snow and you enjoy the constant stream of swearing that can be heard during my encounter with it.

The second would be the wind. If you must make it snow, must you always accompany it with hurricane-isk winds? Is that really necessary? I think not. Perhaps I would hate the snow less if it wasn’t joined by the wind that blows it into my eyes even when I wearing glasses solely to keep it out. Perhaps I would curse you less if the wind didn’t blow snow back to the same damn spot that I just finished shoveling. But no…you break out the big wind guns EVERY DAMN TIME that I on duty, making an already miserable day twice as bad as it needs be. Wind that exploits my daily inability to walk a straight line…causing me to crash into parked cars, snow-covered bushes that I couldn’t see to avoid, and to fall on the sheets of ice(we’ll talk about the ice later) that the stupid wind help creates. Is there nothing more amusing to you than seeing me struggle to put one foot in front of the other as I try to navigate the snow covered, ice rink that is normally known as a parking lot? Can you find no better source of entertainment that to watch me use every ounce of strength that I have to try to observe Colors?

But the killer is the fact that when you add the above two items together you get the sucker punch of it all…the ice. Really???? Is it that amusing to make it so cold, snowy, and windy that ice forms everywhere that I am suppose to go? I mean, the reality of the situation is that I am a walking disaster on a good days but when you add ice to the picture all chances of an injury free day pretty much go out the window. Are you so bored that you need to coat the ground with ice, hit me with a gust of wind so strong that it knocks me to ground just to get a laugh? Sure it must have been funny the first time that it happened, resulting in me crawling across the ice over to a nearby crane which I had to use to pull my ass up on but must you do this EVERY DAMN TIME that I am on duty? Even the funniest of jokes gets old with repetition so I am struggling to see why this continues.

The bottom line is that I am sick of being your source of entertainment. Never did I sign up to be your Fool, Jester, or Personal Stooge. While I am not foolish enough to believe that this letter will change anything I would like to point out that I am not completely defenseless against you. Every time you behave this way towards me it makes me less inclined to do anything to better your situation which need I remind you is not that great to begin with. Keep this shit up and maybe I will start buying aerosol hairspray cans instead of the spritz kind. Perhaps I will choose not to recycle my next can of coke but through it into the ocean instead. Perhaps I will trade my hybrid car in for a gas guzzling SUV and drive it all over the place just to pass the time. The list of possibilities is endless…

My next duty is the 11th. The ball is in your court.

Regards, Millie


Cameron said...

Great Post. Welcome Back

Andrew said...

Hmmmm, Millie vs Mother Nature. I would pay to see who wins. Shockingly I think that I would bet on Millie. You never seem to win the fights but I can't imagine you losing the battle.

Thought provoking post.

Gian said...

Challenging Mother Nature and talking about punching people in the face? WTF? Where did the sweet little girl that we know and loved go?

Jeff said...

You are going to have a blizzard on the 11th.

The Kiskadian said...

Sweet Lady Millie, Mother Nature is a raging bitch. Tell her to kiss your ass and move on. xoxo