Pre-Game Thought

As the kickoff nears, I felt that it was important to get myself off my lounger where I have pretty much spent the last three days to make one final statement about today's game.

I have been watching football coverage off and on all morning and I am more convinced than ever that the Giants have to win. The Patriots are everything that is wrong what football and professional sports in general. The Giants must restore balance to the force.

I will close by saying that I hate the Patriots so very very very much. No that is not the pain meds talking...I really really really hate the Patriots.

Eli....Use The Force

So allow me to be blunt...short of the Eagles...any football team playing against the New England Patriots would be cast in the role of the Good Guys. I could very easily write this about the Peyton and the Colts (though it wouldn't be in the Superbowl) or Brett and the Packers, hell even Romo and the Cowboys. Unless you have also given into the Dark Side...you will look good compared to the Patriots. Keep that mind as you read on.

So here is the deal with the Giants...and why they deserve to win the Superbowl:

- They are not lead by a Sith Lord.

- Unlike said Sith Lord, Giants Head Coach Coughlin was not caught cheating by taping an opponents signals. What makes this worse by the way...is the fact that it was done against a former ally. WTF Bill?
- New York has had no joy sports wise in far too many years.
- Michael Strahan deserves to go out on a high note.
- The Giants Quarterback seems to have a shred of decency...Tom...you can take that as you wish.

So let's talk about Eli...one more time.

If Belichick is the Emperor and Brady is Anakin/Vader...that would make Eli the Luke of this series. (For the record...Peyton is Yoda....as when he is on his game...he is unstoppable but when he isn't, he lets less than worthy foes escape his grips... I.E. the Chargers.) Anyway...I compare Eli to Luke for a couple of reasons.

-The first is that fact that he is the same mix of arrogance and instability that Luke was in the beginning. Both men seem to go from bad ass to crybaby in .002 seconds when they don't get their way. Much like when Luke was crybaby over his ship crashing in Dagabah, Eli often seems to lose control when things are not going his way. Well...he used to...as of late he seems to have gotten his head together....much like Luke by Return of the Jedi.

-I compare him to Luke because both seem to have impossibly big shoes to fill. Hello...how much have Luke panicked when he realized that his Father was Vader. Not saying that Archie Manning is similar to Vader...since he seems to be a decent guy. I'm just saying that both paternal figures must have a cast one hell of shadow over their budding offspring. Oh...and Eli also has to contend with the whole Peyton thing. Let's face it...Yoda would have whooped Luke's ass any day of the week...as I suspect that bigger and better Peyton would do to Eli. Of course since Peyton and Colt's choked in the playoffs....we'll never know.

-Finally...much like Luke and his buddies...Eli and the Giants are our last hope of stopping the evil empire. Think about it...if the Patriots manage to conclude their perfect season with a Superbowl win...they will forever be THE powerhouse in football that will never die. Twenty years from now...we will still be doomed to talk and be in awe of the bloody Patriots. Belichick will be even more feared...and Brady will become even more of an arrogant jerk. There will be no saving Tom once he is truly gone over to the Dark Side. The glory and power that will come from leading his team to 19-0 will ruin any hope of Tom being saved. But if Eli and the Giants pull together and stop the evil empire...there is hope. Sure the Pats had a perfect regular season...but that won't matter if they don't win the Superbowl. If the Pats lose the Superbowl it will prove that while the power of the Dark Side is strong...in the end good will always prevail. And honestly folks...isn't that what we all want to believe anyway?

So there it is...the Giants must win the Superbowl. As I said last night...it is more than just football.

The Dark Side

So a lot of hype is being made about The Patriots. Anyone who knows me is already well aware of my feelings towards the team. My upcoming move to the northeast has not changed my feelings on the matter. The fact is...I despise the New England Patriots so very much. I will not deny that they are an amazing team...but to embrace them seems a little like embracing a rattlesnake. As a former long-time Yankee fan, my sporting soul cannot trade one evil organization for another...else I will become beyond redemption.

I have been sitting on a picture of Bill Belichick as Darth Vader for about two weeks...assuming that it would make it into my blog at some point. Yet after reading my pop culture geek/hero Andrew's blog I became enlightened...Belichick is not Vader...he is the Emperor.

I cannot help but be creeped out when I see him...and that started way before the Emperor revelation. The fact that he quietly yields so much power over a bunch of grown-ass men is oddly unsettling. The fact that so many people turn a blind eye to the cult-like way in which he runs his team in beyond my understanding. It is way too similar to the way that the Jedi and the Republic failed to notice that Palpatine was actually a Sith Lord. Chills run up my spine every time the camera pans to Belichick after a win as every time he has the same smug smirk on his face...as if he knew what the outcome would be. It is not confidence mind you... as it is the same smirk that Darth Sideous had as he corrupted Anakin into destroying the Jedi and when he lied about Anakin killing Padme.

Andrew made an argument about Emperor Belichick...I mean Coach Belichick might have had a hand in the whole Randy Moss saga. It is unlikely...much like the whole L Ron Hubbard being Suri's dad rumor...but on the other hand...neither theory seems to absolutely ring false. What if Belichick was behind the scandal...setting up Randy as way to get him to comply? Sure...that is would a stretch for the average coach but Belichick has proven that he is anything but average.

Poor Tom Brady is a lot like Anakin Skywalker. He has been manipulated into thinking that Bill's way is the only way. ("Only a Sith deals in absolutes" right?) Am I the only one who finds it incredibly unsettling that Tom starts damn near ever sentence with "Coach says..."? Seriously, there is no way that this guy actually believes every word that comes out of Belichick's mouth...is there? Sounds more like brainwashing than coaching to me. It almost makes me feel sorry for Tom...almost.

In the past few years Tom Brady has gone from a lovable good ole boy to an arrogant jerk. There is no way that I would stand out in the cold, purposely miss a bus just to talk to him for a few more minutes or stand out in the freezing cold to watch him play football. You know why...because he is nothing special. He does not send chills down my spine...or excite me with the mere sound of his voice. He actually annoys the shit out of me because he seems to think that he has this effect on everyone. There is a scene in The Simpsons Episode #343 in which Tom Brady rides around on a segway scooter and says "Everyone sucks but me. Oh yeah...cheer for Tom. Give all your love to Tom." This seems to be his attitude on and off the field. He has gone from talented though somewhat lost little Padwan to a arrogant Sith lord wannabe. Much like Anakin...I don't think that Tom is beyond hope. To quote Padme, "There is good in him still...I know there is." In order for Tom to redeem himself...he must break free of the evil emperor's hold and go play for a team like the Rams or the Dolphins.

Much like in the Star Wars saga...what started off as something good has been corrupted into something evil. I love a dynasty team as much as the next person...but in this case it just feels morally wrong to buy into this one.

Think about it...and check back tomorrow when I compare Eli and Giants to the Jedi...as clearly this year's Superbowl is about more than just football...it is a battle of good verses evil.

Bringing It Home - The Best and Worst of Football Done Hollywood Style

In realizing that there are two long weeks before the Superbowl...I know now that there is no way that I will be able to keep up with the Football Movie Mania. There are more than enough movies that I could discuss but I just don't have the attention span to keep it for two more weeks. (My mind is wandering so much for other reasons that when I throw work into the mix...football just doesn't stand a chance.) So let's close it out with a final list of the best and the worst football movies.

Let's start with the rest of the best:

Rudy - This is a no brainer. When you think football movies...you think Rudy. Long before Sean Astin was Sam...he was Rudy and we loved him. I question the sanity of anyone who says that they didn't like this movie. Sure after you have seen it a couple of times you tend to find it more cheesy than inspirational...but the fact is that you know you loved it the first time you saw it. The fact that it is based on a true story just makes it better.

The Longest Yard - I am talking about the first one...the 1974 version. The reason that I like this movie is because it manages to make you feel like you are rooting for the good guys even though the good guys are in prison. Burt Reynolds was pretty cool before he turned into the press slapping weirdo that most of my generation knows him as.

Jerry Maguire - This movie barely makes the cut...as it wasn't a football movie. It is a great movie that has football in it. I think that there is only about ten minutes total pigskin action throughout the entire film...but it is still awesome. Cuba Gooding JR has never given a finer performance than he did as Rob Tidwell...and I doubt that he ever will. Even if you are a total football bonehead, you had to love the scene where he wakes up from after taking a tough hit and flips out to the crowd. It still makes me tear up, even though I have scene the movie more times that should be allowed. (I kid you not...I could probably recite the entire movie if needed.)

We Are Marshall - Another movie that is based off a real story...We Are Marshall is another triumph over misery film that you can't help but get caught up in.

Brian's Song - Again I am talking about the original movie. The new one sucked and I hope whoever signed off on it was fired. Anyway...this is another movie that still moves me to tears as it celebrates a friendship forged on the field that carries into real life. I have seen many a big bad football jock moved to tears over this movie...though I won't mention any names. I think it is because anyone who has played football knows that the type of friendship it forms for teammates and therefore can imagine supporting teammate/friend through the good times and the bad.

Honorable Mention: Invincible as it was a good film but I just couldn't buy off on Marky Mark in the lead role.

And here is my list of the rest of the worst football movies:

The Longest Yard - This time I am talking about the Adam Sandler version. When did Adam become such a movie whore that he no longer cared about making a decent flick? Sure he was never a really that respectable of an actor...but at least in this Happy Gilmore days he made us laugh. I actually walked out on this movie.

The Gridiron Gang - The Rock is one bad ass dude. I know that he is trying to show a sensitive side but it just doesn't work. This movie tried too hard to win over the audience and ended up annoying almost everyone who saw it. What can I say...he is the victim of typecasting.

The Waterboy - Adam Sandler makes his second appearance on the terrible football movie list and it is because Adam Sandler is not a football player. He might have been able to be the kicker but let's face it...he was not made for the field. He would have been torn up by even the most mediocre high school defense. I know that there were a lot of people out there who liked this movie and I just don't get it. Name one funny scene...just one and I'll back off.

Any Given Sunday - Was there a point to this movie? If so...I missed it. I will admit that the football scenes were decent but the storyline was underdeveloped and Cameron Diaz gave her worst performance with the exception of The Sweetest Thing. There is only one good thing that came out of this movie and that is the quote "On any given Sunday you're gonna win or you're lose. The point is - can you win or lose like a man?" This is an awesome quote...but not enough to get it off the worst list.

The Program - I know that college football has it's share of problems but if one team is having all of the ones exploited in this movie...the problem is the school and not the sport. Fire the athletic director, the entire coaching staff and kick out the trouble makers and start fresh. Problem solved.

Honorable Mention: The Game Plan - The only reason that this movie didn't make the actual worst list is because it is a kid's movie and that by definition means that it will not kick ass. Nevertheless...I think that everyone who was ever played football, watched football, or in any way felt any affection to the sport died a little when this movie was made. The fact that I have even seen it is a testament to the level of pop geek that I am.

I Raised You To Be A Winner! So Damn It Boy...Win!

"In America, we have laws. We have laws against killing, laws against stealing. And it's just accepted that as a member of American society you will live by these laws. In West Canaan Texas there is another society which has it's own laws. Football is a way of life." - Jon Moxon

Okay so I am on a major football kick. I am eagerly awaiting this weekends playoff games...so much that I scheduled all of my weekend plans around watching both of the Conference Championship Games. Thinking of football has me thinking of football movies. There have been some great football movies and some really terrible ones. So let's devote some postings to both.

Tonight we start with one of all my all-time favorite football movies ever...hell one of my favorite movies period (Top 20 for sure anyway)...which is Varsity Blues.

To put it into perspective...it came out when I was a high school junior, when football was one of the most important aspects of my life. I was dating a football player, my best friend was the star football player, I spent Friday/Saturday nights cheering for the football players, and I spent the weekday afternoons taking care of the football players. (For those of you who were not there and as a result have no idea what I am talking about...get your mind out of the gutter. I was an intern in the athletic training room and still hold the record for fasting ankle taping by a student trainer. But I digress...) As a group we all wen to movie theater to see this movie and it was like we were watching our lives on the big screen. We were those characters, though slightly less attractive, not in our twenties as were the actors, and not from a small town Texas but you get the idea.

So hottie James Van Der Beek played Jon Moxon, the smart and sweet second-string quarterback who is on the team out of obligation. After town hero Lance gets hurt, Mox steps in and takes his place...on and off the field. Much to the dismay of his girlfriend Julie who is the only person in town who isn't obsessed with football.

So the movie follows the team as they pursue the state championship, as well as the changes that Mox encounters as he goes from bench warmer to superstar. It is the usual underdog storyline. Here is why it works:

Jon Voight as asshole coach Bud Klimer - So how much a prick is this guy? Yet he was the portrayed our school's head coach perfectly. In the scene in which he blames Billy Bob for Lance's knee injury he reminded me of the time that Coach W. broke the clipboard at Kenny when he missed the block that Bobby broke his left hand on. This movie hit it on the head. High school coaches are assholes.

Billy Bob - This is going to sound mean but you can't deny that it is true. Every football team had their Billy Bob. Every cheerleader loved him but none of them dated him. In fact...he usually ended up to the dances with whichever one of his close girl friend (as in friend who was female but had no romantic interest in him whatsoever.) was single at the moment. He got all dressed up, spent a ton of money on the evening, and usually had to watch as the girl broke free at the end of the night to hook up with her ex. (I'm not saying that this is right but you know this is how it played out.) The Billy Bob of the team was fiercely loyal and loved by all. You knew you count on him to carry your drunk ass to the car, beat up whatever rival was talking shit to you at the mall, and always had his shoulder ready for you to cry on. He was probably the best friend any of us had...and I bet none of us still know what happened to our Billy Bob. But again I digress...my point is that Ron Lester nailed the role of Billy Bob.

So as much as hot as Paul Walker and James Van Der Beek were in this movie...it was Charlie Tweeder who stole my heart in this flick. How could you not love this guy? Scott Caan owned this role and it was awesome. Rather than try to narrate the greatness of Tweeder...I will list them because one handed typing sucks.

- Tweeder steals the cop car. "You hurt my feelings and now I'm going home." He announces as he walks past the cops and jumps into their car. "I'm going to jail." He declares as he drives away from the party in the stolen car.

- Tweeder explaining that girls are just panty droppers with the help of perocet, two vicoden and a couple of beers. (I know that the women's lib movement will curse me for this but whatever.) It is funny. Even funnier is when Mox responds by asking Tweeder if he thinks he'll enjoy prison. Tweeder absentmindedly response that he doesn't know as he is looking down his pants trying to figure out what is on his "little soldier". What can I say...it is just a funny scene.

- Tweeder asks Mox "Do you want to see the new Tweeder End Zone Dance?" He dances and says "You know what its called?" Mox asks what. Tweeder responds "The New Tweeder End Zone Dance." How badass is that?

Finally....this movie is great because it captures the good and the bad about football. From the little things like the cheerleader painting her boyfriend's number on her cheek or the proud parents wearing their son's photo button like it is medal. It also hit on the big stuff. I know that I turned a cheek to the leaps that my boys took to mask their pain. Parents pretended not to know that their son was being mentally and sometimes even physically assaulted by their coach because it got the results. It captured the fun of the party after the game where it didn't matter if you won or lost on the field as long as you didn't lose that night's drinking game. It captured high school football for better or for worse. And it had a happy ending to that was bonus. Oh...and the soundtrack kicked ass. Pick it up if you can find it.

Mox said it well...Football was a way of life...at least for awhile. To hell with baseball...who needs it?