Another Waste of My Time

Being the movie buff that I am I tend to react pretty strongly the movies that I watch. If I love movie, I will always love it and will never watch it enough. Examples of these types of the movies are Dirty Dancing, Braveheart, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Steel Magnolias, Go, and The American Pie series. The other side of that is that when I hate a movie, I will always hate it and I am usually bitter about having wasted 90 minutes watching the flick. Examples of these movies are The Grudge 2, You've Got Mail, 300, Batman and Robin, and now the subject of tonight's blog...One Night At McCool's.

I think what pisses me off the most about this movie is that it had serious potential to be good based off the star power alone. The movie contains sure things Matt Dillon, Liv Tyler, Michael Douglas, and John Goodman. Throw in Paul Riser who is almost always good for a few laughs and random cameos by Reba McIntyre and Andrew Dice Clay and one should be set for a great film.

I should have known from the hideous white guy fro that Michael Douglas was sporting in the opening scene (which takes place in a Bingo lounge) that the movie was going to be shit. Nevertheless I stuck with it.

So basically you have Liv Tyler as the innocently seeming and yet purely evil vixen who seduces Matt Dillon's character so that her boyfriend can rob his house. The only problem is that he has practically nothing worth stealing and thus the chaos begins. As Matt finds himself trapped with Liv as a result of a rather unnecessary murder...the storyline expands to include John Goodman's cop character and Paul Riser's neurotic cousin of Matt Dillon's character and all three men find themselves hopelessly in love with her.

All three men recap their version of the situation to their various sources of strength. Paul to his shrink who is played by Reba (who is the only character that doesn't totally suck), John to his priest, and Matt to Michael Douglas who is a hitman. Each man sees things totally differently but none of them see that she is totally playing them all.

In the 90 minutes of bad writing and terrible acting...one cannot help but wonder at the stupidity of men and the ease with which a woman can control said men with nothing more but big eyes and a low cut, too tight dress. I felt a little bad for Matt's character being that he took the wrap for the murder, lost his job, his house, and apparently his mind but even that ran short long before the credits ran.

Oh and did I mention that the writing is terrible? No wonder the actors were so damn awful with a script like that. One can only hear Paul Riser drop the big three so many times before you realize that the writers tried to make up for the holes in the script by trying to shock the viewers with awkwardly placed f-bombs.

Being the movie isn't that great...it hardly seems worth it to go into any more details than I already have. Suffice to say...the movie sucks. Don't watch it.

Peyton For President!

So I am not sure which was the bigger let down from Sunday...the laughable performance of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the debut of The New American Gladiators?

The only reason that I was bummed out by the Bucs is because I don't think that The Giants are a playoff caliber team. I will say this...Eli looked like a pretty decent QB today...but still not what I would consider "Unstoppable". Whatever....I don't see them surviving next week anyway. At the risk of pissing of everyone within a three state radius...I am pulling for the Colts to dance at the big game. I am aware that the odds are not good that they are going to get past the AFC Championship game...yet I am still putting all my eggs in the Peyton basket. And if they don't make it to the Superbowl...I can take comfort that Tom Petty will be there regardless if my worst football dreams come true and we end up having the Tom vs. Tony showdown that many people are predicting.

So moving on...the New American Gladiators. So ESPN Classic is showing a bunch of the old episodes and I am going to record at least one for two purposes. The first is determine if my love for the show was pure juvenile judgement and if the show actually does suck as my father has always said. The second reason is in hopes that I will get a peak at Turbo because let's face it...no Gladiator in the new series looks half as good as Turbo did.

Oh...and apparently steroids are not just for baseball players. Seriously...how creepy is this guy?
Oh well...next weekend promises to be better for football...as the Fab Four of Quarterbacks will be showing what they are made of. As for American Gladiators...don't count on my turning in next week.

Honoring The 4400

I have been putting off writing about this...as I foolishly hoped that the producers would change their minds on this one. Sadly...they have not and probably will not so let's have a moment of silence for one of the more entertaining shows on cable TV.

I am far too tired to really outline that travesty that this is as I am running on about two hours of sleep again. Let's just say that I am pretty pissed off. It's not that I expected the show to last forever but at least expected some closure. Oh well. Enjoy the photo montage..

My heart went out to Tom...I understand his dilemas.

I think that I liked Diana's character because I see myself in her.

I always believed that Jordan was good.

Shawn was always getting hurt because he wanted so much to believe in people.

Poor Maya...what a burden for a kid.

Kyle just wanted to believe in something.

Isabelle didn't ask to be born evil.

Ahh the night it all went to hell....

Hope

I would have taken the shot.

I never liked Elana.


So wait...NTAC isn't real?? (kidding)

Jordan was the father to Kyle that Tom should have been.

Poor Shawn was surrounded by people yet was alone.

If only damn USA Network would give us one more season to see if Jordan and Kyle were successful. I believe that they would have been.

Oh how I cried during this scene.

Damn it all...all of the good shows are either gone or in their last season. My Blogger and Facebooks addictions are only going to get worse.

Great Movies With Terrible Endings

Don't you hate it when a great movie gets ruined by terrible ending? By terrible I mean...really really LAME! I expect cheesy endings at the end of chick flicks, or any movie made by Disney, etc. I do not expect them from movies that are supposed to kick ass. Here are few that really piss me off.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi - This is an obvious one, since I think that every REAL Star Wars fan thought the ending sucked. I am only including this so that you have an understanding of what I am talking about. How could the greatest movie series of all time end with the protagonists dancing around with a bunch of Ewoks???????? Seriously, every damn time I see C3PO dancing around I want to throw something at the TV. I get that everyone was happy to be rid of the Emperor and all that...but was dancing in a tree village with Stormtropper helmets for drums the best that you come up with? I get mad just thinking about it. What in the hell would a damn droid know about happiness anyway?

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - So apparently making a trilogy is free pass to use the LAMEST endings possible. Sorry...I don't buy it. The problem with this lame ending is that it just goes on and on and on. First of all...why is that after Frodo woke up everyone entered the room one at a time? I guess it was meant to be a cinematic curtain call but it came off lame. The madness could and should have ended there but sadly it did not. What gave Gimli the right to crown the king? He was a dwarf for God's Sake!!! Why would a dwarf crown a man? I also wonder who thought it was necessary to make Viggo Mortensen aka Aragorn sing that damn song...ruining the tough manly man image that we all loved? It still doesn't stop there...because soon we were at the damn boat scene. Sure I shed a few tears at the end when Frodo was saying goodbye to Sam as he is leaving to go "Into the West" but did they really need to drag the damn scene out like ten minutes. (Possibly a slight exaggeration but if you have seen the movie...you get my point.) All of the major characters already had what should have been their final scene of the movie during the whole bed scene and the singing part...so was it really necessary to have a sappy goodbye at the boat? I think not.

Titanic - Okay so maybe this one doesn't belong on this list since it is considered by many to be a chick flick. Though they will never admit, I know that most of my male buddies who got dragged to this movie when it came out actually enjoyed most of it so it passes the test and is on the list. So we are led to believe that old lady Rose dies at the end of the movie and all of her Titanic buddies are waiting for her in Titanic heaven. I have two problems with this that go beyond the sheer sappiness of the clapping and gathering at the clock. The first is that Rose was a spoiled first class girl. I can speak with the confidence that comes from being a former spoiled brat that there is no way that she knew the crew or "lower deck" people on the ship, with the exception of the few she met with Jack. Yet somehow there were all there in Titanic heaven waiting for her, smiling away. You mean to tell me that out of all of those people there wasn't at least one of them who pissed that the rich bitch lived and they didn't? Unlikely but whatever. My second problem with this is that I know that she met Jack on the ship and they were happy there and all...but seriously...why would your heaven be the worst thing that ever happened to you? I mean...Jack died because of that damn ship and yet you want him to spend eternity there? SELFISH! If I almost drowned and lost the love of my life in a shipwreck...my heaven would anything but the same damn ship.

The Last Samurai - This movie kicked ass but the end was hard for me to buy into. I know that the character Katsumoto was supposed to be a sensitive warrior...but are we really supposed to believe that his last thoughts were of flowers?

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves - This one is also iffy because any movie with a love theme is usually a chick flick by default. Nevertheless, I still haven't been able to figure out how the Sheriff of Nottingham's guards were never able to find Robin Hood's hideout, yet King Richard had no trouble galloping in at the end after having been gone from his country for years. Don't get me wrong, even as a 9 year old pop culture geek in training I thought it was cool to see Sean Connery but give me a break.

I know this sounds a bit cynical for me. Please don't take it to heart. I enjoy all of these movies...I just think that the directors took it one step too far. If I want to see sentimental endings, I will watch any one of the chick flicks that fit the bill such as Beaches, The Bodyguard, or The Notebook. When I watch a kick ass movie...it should kick ass until the credits roll.

Excuse me...

Were you saying "Boo" or "Buuurns"?

Well if you are a Yankee fan...you were saying Boo.

Which is not to say that the Yankees didn't put up one hell of a fight tonight. The Boo-ing is a result of the Yankees losing and the damn Red Sox winning. I don't really think that Joe Torre will be fired this year...though it is still too early to say. My point...I just want to see the Red Sox lose. I want to see them choke on all of the shit that they have been talking to their opponents all season long. I want to see "Red Sox Nation" draped in a black cloth of mourning while any other team (Obviously the Yankees are my first choice but I will take any team but the Red Sox) win the world series. What can I say? I get mean when the playoffs are approaching. However rather than focusing this blog on my dislike for members of the Red Sox nation I will defer to the subject of the opening line...C. Montgomery Burns.
I love Montgomery Burns. Hell I even have a cat named after him. He is my favorite cartoon character hands down. Perhaps it is the fact that he is the only "outed" Republican in Toon Town (that I know of)...but something about him makes him the #1 reason that I watch The Simpsons. So in effort to bring some cheer to this day...I will highlight some of my Monty Burns quotes. If you are Simpsons fan...you will know these well...if you are not...what the heck is wrong with you?

-"Bring it on Bitch" In the 13th episode of the 17th season...Monty Burns utters this quote...and it is the best part of the episode. After being challenged by the Texas Oil Guy...Monty looks at him and says said mentioned line. It totally rocked! Nothing more needs to be said.

- "Are you saying Boo or Buuurns?" In the 18th episode of the 6th season, Monty Burns enters his film "A Burns for All Seasons" in the Springfield Film Festival. In true Monty Burns form...he goes all out on the film, sparing no expense to try to show that he isn't evil. After viewing the film...the audience begins to boo loudly, prompting Mr. Burns to turn to Smithers and ask "Smithers are they booing me?" Kiss-ass Smithers quickly replies "No, they are saying Buuurns! Buuurns!" Mr. Burns stands up and faces the audience as he asks "Are you saying Boo or Buuurns?" The audience responds by throwing things at the frail old man and the Boo-ing gets louder, drowning out the timid voice of Hans Moleman, who says "I was saying Buuurns."

- "You know Smithers...I told you so has a brother...it's shut the hell up!" In the 17th episode of the 17th season...Mr. Burns outsources the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant to India. Pure luck allows Homer to become the only employee to keep his job and move to India to run the plant. Thanks to breakfast inspired leadership book provided by Marge...Homer convinces Mr. Burns that he can run the plant by himself. Mr. Burns leaves Homer to run things while he floats down the Ganges with corpses. (Bringing another great quote from Monty. Smithers tells Mr. Burns that the people he is floating with are dead and Monty responds "You never like my friends!") Smithers objects to the putting of Homer in charge (rightfully so), however Monty cannot be swayed. The result is that Homer convinces himself that he is God. So the Simpson family flies to India to save Homer, making their way up the river in a scene that has a very Apocalypse Now vibe. As Mr. Burns explains to the family what has happened to their dad...Smithers tells Mr. Burns "I told you it wasn't a good idea to leave Simpson in charge of the plant." The result..."You know Smithers...I told you so has a brother...its shut the hell up!" The single greatest line uttered by C. Montgomery Burns.

But it wouldn't be a Monty Burns tribute without referencing the greatest Monty Burns overall moment...and that has to be the song and dance..."See My Vest". So join me won't you in singing a classic Simpsons song...lyrics included for max participation. (Not to be confused with Max Power.)

"Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food.

The only thing I am hunting for...is an outfit that looks good.

See my vest, see my vest made from real gorillas chest.

Feel this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, twas my cat.

My evening wear...vampire bat.

These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear, turtle necks I have my share.

Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest!

Try my robin suit...it comes one breast or two.

See my vest! See my vest! See my vest!

Like my loafers, former gofers.

It was that or skin my chauffeurs.

But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.

So let's prepare those dogs! (Kill two for matching clogs!)

See my vest! See my vest!

Oh please won't you see my vest!

Vote Monty Burns for President in 2008!